saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Less talking, more tequila
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
