There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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