I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
