Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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