I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
