you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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