Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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