I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
