She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
