He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
