I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
