Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
