Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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