don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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