i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
