Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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