He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
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After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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