I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
