Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
