There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
