if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
