Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
