just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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