I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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