Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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