My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
