so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
