I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
