just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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