last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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