so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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