Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
