but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
