Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
