When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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