I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
