Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
