That's intense
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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