Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
