remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
