the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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