So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
