I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
