Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
