NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just high enough for therapy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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