Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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