you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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