if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?