how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.