I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize