I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
