I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
