just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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