So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
