I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
They took my balls.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
