I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Randomize
