have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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